Today I was told my mother has been given two weeks left to live.
For the past 10 years or so she has been suffering from COPD. This is a lung problem bought on by blockage in the lungs of thick mucus that eventually leads to lung failure.
When she was young she worked with Benezene in a printing works cleaning rollers. This caused lung scaring, which with smoking, and a family history of lung illness lead to her getting a very bad infection that nearly killed her over 10 years ago.
I was given 10 more years with my mother, but today the sands are up and I know that I by July I will no longer have the women that has given me unconditional love, helped me, supported me, given me sound advice and even given me a kick up the arse when I felt sorry for myself, knowing I was better than that. I have been blessed with 31 years with my mother.
She is a strong woman, not the false media portrayal of strength, but true strength. She grew up during World war 2 and knew how to cope with adversity. When times where bad she stuck by my fathers side through thick and thin, even if that meant not having enough money to put food on the table.
A caring woman, she has loved her husband, my father, for over 53 years all through their marriage and loved her children without condition, even if we where accident prone terrors at times. She lived with my fathers faults without mumur and never once said a bad word against him.
Too see her now, in bed, breathing coming weak but steady is an image that will stay with me for the rest of my life, but I remember her when she was strong, a lover of the outdoors who could walk until the earth ended.
I know my last memories may well be saying goodnight to her never to say good morning again, or watching her pass into sleep and then away. Knowing this is killing me inside because I have no way of coping with this. My family has kept death away from me my entire life and now its full weight has been thrown on me and I feel like I am drowning, being pulled down by a massive weight that I cannot escape.
Today has been a blur, people coming and going, my brother has come half way across the UK to see my mother, most likely for the last time and my sister has been here all day. Me, my brother and my sister are finding strength in each other, supporting each other lest we all collaspe with grief.
Soon, far too soon, I will lose my mother and look upon my mother one last time before she is commited to the flames and her ashes buried, to rest in the earth.
Whilst this causes me untold grief, I am also happy in a way. The last 10 years have been one of constant struggle for her, for she has had to deal with more than I, and to know finally her struggle will be over and she will be free of the illness that ruined her twilight years will be gone in a way gives me solace.